


Free My Soul

by idrilhadhafang



Series: The Broken Edge [13]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Canonical torture, Counseling, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, M/M, Male Friendship, Male Protagonist, Male Slash, Male-Female Friendship, Mentions of Snoke - Freeform, POV Poe Dameron, Past Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Therapy, character death is han solo, mentions of Ben Solo, mentions of Luke - Freeform, possible unfortunate implications?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-09-28 13:47:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10107485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Ten facts about Poe Dameron during and post the Jakku mission.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Prompts: Skeletons in the closet, undeserved reputation, major illness or injury, wild card -- betrayal
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author's Notes: The title was taken from "Somewhere" by Within Temptation. I thought it was one of those songs that was applicable for the Ben/Poe pairing. Also, Kylo talking about how he didn't enjoy the interrogations was taken from the novelization of TFA by Alan Dean Foster (also known as what I read before I watched the film to ease into it), and him talking about how he's the monster the Resistance would give anything to kill was inspired by the 1992 version of Dracula with Dracula telling Mina the truth about himself. It was also inspired by the TFA commentary where Abrams says that Ren was tempted momentarily to go with his father during the bridge scene, and that he knew that Snoke was using him but couldn't accept it, and that he felt like he'd gone too far. (I like that commentary. It really makes Ren more of a nuanced and even tragic character)

1\. He didn't just come to Jakku for the map to Luke Skywalker, although there is that important fact. He came here because he's looking for Ben. Ben, who everyone thinks died in that massacre and yet Poe just knows he's out there, knows that he's still alive. Ben. The man he loves, the man he adores, is still out there.   
  
It's long before Lor San Tekka gives him the map to Luke that he says, "You didn't just come here for the map, did you? I can tell. There is something more driving behind your actions than even finding Luke."  
  
"Finding Luke is important."  
  
"You're searching for someone else as well, aren't you?"  
  
Poe nods. "You traveled all over the galaxy. Did you, in your travels, find any trace of Ben?"  
  
Silence. Tekka looks sorrowful. Already, Poe has a feeling as to where he's going. Then, "Ben Solo, I'm afraid, is a prisoner of the First Order."  
  
"I have to get in and rescue him."  
  
Lor San Tekka looks at him, and there is nothing but compassion in those eyes. Then, "It will not be an easy task."  
  
2\. It's outside the tent, hiding, that Poe can hear snippets of the conversation between Tekka and Ren. Ren is forceful, lacking any sort of patience for Tekka's stalling, Tekka, not just trying to stall him but seeming genuine in trying to sway him back. Poe knows from their conversation that Ren didn't originate from the Dark Side (and Ren seems to bristle at Tekka mentioning it) and "you cannot deny the truth that is your family."  
  
Poe already has an icy, uneasy feeling. But he forces it aside. It can't be it. It has to be someone else. Ben definitely isn't one of the stormtroopers he shot. He'd be --  
  
But he can't, can he?  
  
3\. The stormtroopers can't break him when they beat him. To their every question as to where the map is, he defies them. Asks where Ben is, over and over again. Even when the answer's the same. Poe doesn't know how much time has elapsed with the stormtroopers beating him over and over again. But he doesn't cave. And all the while, he thinks about having Ben back in his arms again.   
  
Outside his door, there's a mechanical female voice -- the same that relayed Ren's order to destroy the village. "I will grant you this -- he is resilient.  
  
"I know." Ren's voice. "He always was."  
  
There's something about the way that Ren talks that suggests that he's familiar with Poe, and the very idea, long before Ren even enters the room, is enough to send a certain chill down Poe's spine.   
  
4\. The moment that Ren enters his mind, Poe realizes that it's Ben, and his mind is overflowing with denial, with shock, with this-can't-be-happening even as Ren  
  
 _Ben_  
  
shifts through his mind in a perversion of the bond that they shared. He can't describe the feelings that come over him -- this sort of longing, this shock, this hate, this love, all of it crashing in on him like a tidal wave. And he needs -- dear stars, he's been untouched for so long, hasn't let anyone near him.   
  
He trembles, shakes, but even in the face of Ben questioning him, he does not cave.   
  
Ben knows his mind too well, like the back of his hand, and tears down his defenses like they're made of tissue.   
  
In his mind, he can hear Ben's voice. _Contrary to what you think, it gives me no pleasure to do this. But I will take what I need._  
  
"Come with me," Poe says. "I can help you. We can help you."  
  
 _It's too late for me._  
  
"It's not."  
  
 _I am nothing, Poe. Tainted. Hated. Feared. I am the monster that the Resistance would give anything and everything to kill. There is no saving me._  
  
"Tekka told me that the First Order took you prisoner." Now, Poe knows that was a pretty clever use of double-meaning by the old man.   
  
_Tekka was a fool. I had...hoped that none of this unpleasantness would be necessary, Poe. We both wanted the same thing from him._  
  
"Snoke's not going to win."  
  
 _The Supreme Leader is wise. And you, Poe...you are too optimistic for your own good._  
  
"It's what I do best. Besides flying."  
  
 _I know. Rest now, Poe. I'll have more questions for you later._  
  
Later doesn't come.   
  
Later, Poe is rescued.   
  
Later, they destroy Starkiller Base.   
  
And later, there is something about Finn that reminds Poe of more innocent days, better days. And he can let him in.  
  
Yes. It doesn't hurt to let in the man who saved his life, or the scavenger he meets later on. He can let them in. He can protect them. Love them as kin.   
  
He can start to heal.   
  
5\. When Finn's injured, Poe is one of the first people to visit him. He still admittedly can't process this. Even hearing the details from Kalonia   
  
_slashed up the back, burns, major injuries_  
  
he wonders how in the name of the stars Ben could have done this. He can still remember other times that Ben was brutal, can remember some stuff he's done now, things like what happened to Lor San Tekka  
  
 _he was trying to save you and you killed him_  
  
things like the interrogation  
  
 _which he still has nightmares about_  
  
things like Han Solo's death  
  
 _his own father, and he did this how could he_  
  
and he still can't process them. Ben did this, and to think he married him, loved him...  
  
He keeps it bottled up, of course. He goes to visit Finn whenever he can, updates him on what's happening in the Resistance, something funny that Jess did, or Snap, news from Rey, anything like that, anything at all, and in his heart he both loves and hates Ben and tells no one about it.   
  
6\. It's when he can't take it anymore that he goes to therapy. There's really only so much time you can look over the old holos of your wedding like they're clues to what went wrong.   
  
_did I marry too quickly? was I not good enough for him?_  
  
The therapist, Doctor Gray -- Poe doesn't tell her that he was married to the man who later became one of the most feared monsters that the galaxy has ever seen, but she can sense that something's wrong. Finally, she says, "Your husband...I feel there is something you're not telling me about him."  
  
"It's still uncomfortable."  
  
"It was just an observation. You don't have to share anything about this you don't want to, Mr. Dameron."  
  
Poe starts small when he does tell her. He talks about how they met -- how they were friends as kids. Best friends. He talks about times they played together, times they laughed -- he talks about Ben's laugh, how lovely it was. He talks about the comm calls, about their talks, about how over time Poe started to fall in love with him for simply being Ben -- loving, caring, gentle Ben.   
  
And Doctor Gray listens, no judgment in her eyes, no judgment at all, as Poe spins his tale. Talks about the boys that were and the men that were, as opposed to who they are now.   
  
7\. He does what he can to keep going on with his life even while there's a war on. Even while the nightmares start getting really bad. He practices the exercises that Doctor Gray has set out for him, grounding exercises he can remember from his early days at war, when the idea of Ben falling was inexplicable. List things next to you. Remind yourself of the date. Things like that. They're enough to reorient Poe after a certain word reminds him too much of Ben, or anything transports him back into that room with Kylo Ren's hand not far from his face, burrowing around in his mind.   
  
8\. The bond's still open, and he can still hear his husband's suffering over it. Some would scoff at the idea of Ren suffering, but it is the truth. Even trying to sleep, Poe can feel his doubt over murdering his own father  
  
 _did you think it would make you stronger, love? is that the kind of person you want to be?_  
  
his grief for his father, his emotions that seem to be tugged every which way. Some would say that Poe shouldn't have mixed feelings about Ben and yet feeling it over their link, Poe almost wants to reach out, do so many things -- ask why he did this, say he hates him, loves him or both (both is definitely most likely, all things considered), anything at all. In the end, he remains on the other side of the link, waiting, a reminder of what Ben left behind and one of many beings he loved and hurt.   
  
9\. It's in one of their sessions that he finally tells Doctor Gray the truth, and he's shaking. He's wondering how she'll react, if she'll hate him, if she'll think that he's no better than Ben just for being married to him -- but instead, after her initial shock, she looks at him and that's not disgust in her eyes but sympathy. Poe continued to talk, talks about how Snoke came to the Academy under the guise of a Jedi recruit and corrupted Ben. He talks, and all the while, he nearly cries. Nearly. He doesn't cry, but the need to trembles in him violently. Damn Snoke. Damn him for what he did to everyone, for what he did to Ben...  
  
And Doctor Gray listens, without judgment, without hatred, and talking about it, Poe Dameron is starting to get free.   
  
10\. In truth, Poe doesn't know what's going to happen. But he knows that no matter what, he's going to get through all this. They're going to bring Snoke down as they were meant to. And perhaps...perhaps in the end, Poe can get his husband home.


End file.
